Yuna - Decorate (Live in the Bing Lounge) (by KINK Radio)
So you decided to see me out of the blue
Should I let you come over?
You do this all the time
You come and go like I’m nothing, you know?
Johnny Cash - Hurt (originally by Nine Inch Nails)
What have I become?
My sweetest friend.
Every one I know, goes away in the end.
And you could have it all, my empire of dirt.
I will let you down, I will make you hurt.
I took a walk tonight, slow and leisurely, a cup of coffee in my hands as I meandered through the streets of New Haven, and I thought, If I didn’t have work to do, tonight would’ve been a perfect night for a date. And it would have because for the first time in a long time, it wasn’t so cold that I was scrambling just to get indoors again, and the night air felt crisp and fresh, not piercing, and I peeked into the windows on the way back to watch other people on their lovely dinners, with dates or friends or something in between, and I remembered walking in that same slow and leisurely way with you, tucked in under your arm, your warmth radiating.
I remembered that first night, and a Thai food dinner with an unexpected guest, and a movie afterwards you could never remember the details of because we were both so busy thinking of witty and stupid things to whisper to each other throughout, and how I came back to your place after, and I really loved the little blocks your mother painted, and your starry shower curtain, and the way you lit up with excitement when you talked about something you liked.
I remembered walking around the ship with you and it truly was a world that was just ours then, because we didn’t know anybody else and nobody knew us, and we pretended a lot of things on that ship, that we’d made it to our anniversary, that we were much more than we ever really got to be, and I remember how strong the wind was on the deck, and how we looked out into the black black black water, and how I hadn’t been sure right up until we took that trip if this was something for real, but on that ship, with the water breaking before us and a thousand people we didn’t know and the way we hurtled headlong into the wind, I thought, maybe.
I remembered Columbia at night, and the stupidly dour hipster band playing in the Catacombs, and the way you showed me what your world was for four years, and I tried to take it in and learn all the little corners of the you-before-me and it rained suddenly but we walked the mile or so to your favorite McDonald’s and my heart broke for a you-I-hadn’t-known but I was still glad you’d gone through all that because I thought if you hadn’t, you wouldn’t be the person I loved so much right then and there. But I remember wishing, even then, that I’d met you later, later, later, because I knew you weren’t ready. I knew our timing wasn’t right.
I remembered swamp-hot nights in the streets of D.C., and that same slow, meandering pace that meant we had nowhere on earth we had to be right at that moment, and the way we lay down on the steps near the Capitol building and looked out onto the park, sprinklers softly spraying in the distance, and I thought, if I had ever done anything right in my life, then maybe I would be allowed to keep this. I think you were the one who suggested we get back to your place, because I half wanted to stay there until the sun rose.
You made me like that, you know, stupidly, heart-achingly sentimental. I remember all those nights, not all the time, but whenever I stop and walk like I have nowhere in particular I have to be. I wondered if you were out tonight, with somebody else, getting to know all the contours of her life, and I wondered if you would hold her hand and feel that connection you’re always looking for, and it didn’t matter if it was tonight or two months down the line, one night you’d be out with someone else, and you’d take her hand into yours or perhaps tuck her under your arm like you used to do with me, and you’d be so fascinated by this person who had a whole life before you, this mystery of a girl. And you’d break down the walls and get to know her, just like you got to know me, and she’d hear about all the life you’d had before her, and I already know I’ll be a part of that story somehow but I don’t quite know how you’ll describe me - young? naive? a tendency toward the dramatic and maudlin? a little bit needy, but oh, so sweet? - and that’s all I’ll be, reduced to a story you tuck away in your back pocket, to be taken out for show every now and then. That’s all we’ll be.
The same thing will happen for you, you know. One day I’ll be sitting and talking with someone new, and maybe he’ll have his arm around me, tucking me into his chest, and we’ll talk deep into the night about past loves, and you will be a story I tell. I don’t quite know how I’ll describe you because it’ll never be exactly right. Nothing I say will be able to accurately convey the slow and languid way you made the world stop on nights like this. I will never be able to explain why I didn’t leave someone who kept me on tenterhooks for a year, waiting for the moment he decided he didn’t want to do this anymore, and how much harder I held on because of it. I will tell this new person about you, and the stories will be colorful and sad, but that’s all they’ll be. Stories. Like something you make up and scribble down in a book.
Tonight, I took a quiet and leisurely walk through the streets of New Haven, sipping on my coffee and peeking into windows. The people inside looked happy, and I walked slowly all the way home.
Ignition (Remix) - R. Kelly
this song though
Vanity Fair’s 2008 ‘Hitchcock Hollywood Portfolio’
Ugh I just want to sit around and watch old movies.
i know things will never be the same between us. now i’m wondering if they’re going to be okay.
where did you go? why did this become a game about holding on to our pride?
i hate it when the walls come up like this. i feel terrible, but i know i have to learn how to protect myself because wherever i’m at right now, there’s too much vulnerability. i feel so fragile.
i don’t know how to close myself off to you, but i’m trying because i’m so tired of feeling hurt. i’m trying to go numb.
i’ve always striven to be understanding. generous. open-hearted - maybe not always successfully, but it’s what i’ve aspired to. this is the first time i’m trying to shrink myself, and i’m not sure i like it, but i think it’s necessary at this point.
i remember, all throughout our relationship, i felt the unbearable tension of the fact that one day, we would be strangers to one another. i felt it because you always threatened it. you finally made good on your threat, and the unbearable days have come, but i have to bear it anyway. no matter what happens, you always have to bear it.
i guess i’m just a little shocked that i mean so little to you nowadays. you really don’t care if you lose me from your life completely.
i don’t know why i tried so hard. i don’t know why i believed in you. i don’t know why i let it get like this. i don’t know why i let you in past all of my boundaries, because you clearly don’t respect them now. you hate being pencilled into someone else’s life, but you expect everyone else to drop everything for you. i’m sorry you’re not my priority anymore, but that was because you didn’t want to be.
i’ve made more than enough overtures. you live your life by burning bridges, and i’m not going to keep walking when you light it all on fire. at one point, i would’ve done that for you, but you made it clear you don’t want that.
in a month and a half, we can be nothing to each other, just like we were before. and that breaks my heart, but hey, it’s not like you haven’t done that already.