Lately, I’ve been grappling with two competing impulses. There is the work that I want to buckle down for, the work that makes me feel like maybe I can help someone other than myself, like maybe I can one day give back even a fraction of what I’ve been given.

And then there is the cold ache in my bones when I realize I’ve spent all day sitting in front of a computer, there is the soreness in my neck when I look out the window, eyes blurred from squinting too long, and I realize there is life out there and I’m not living it. 

The work I want to pursue asks for a sublimation of the self. If I want it whole-heartedly, I cannot have my own life or desires outside of it - not for now, at least. But I’m inherently selfish. Sometimes, all I want is to sit down and have dinner with my friends, and not feel guilty. 

And all the while, the future pounds relentlessly on the door, demanding to know what next, what next, what next? and I sit and keep looking out the window. There is a real life out there.  

I can’t see my way forward. 

1 day ago on 17 April 2014 @ 10:33pm
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23,001 plays

ch-ords:

Crew Love // Drake & The Weeknd

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4 days ago on 14 April 2014 @ 6:00pm 2,605 notes
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Spring again

1 week ago on 9 April 2014 @ 6:23pm 1 note
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Iggy Azalea - Fancy (Explicit) ft. Charli XCX (by iggyazaleamusicVEVO)

1 week ago on 9 April 2014 @ 6:22pm 3 notes
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I don’t know how we could say such awful things to each other when it’s late and dark, but when we see each other again, it’s like all we want to do is bury all that ugliness and laugh and talk again. 

I miss the easy, light days. I miss the parts of you that made me happy. But all I’ve had for months now, every time I think of you, is incredible sadness. 

1 week ago on 9 April 2014 @ 12:48am
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Nice days in the courtyard feel like magic.

1 week ago on 8 April 2014 @ 11:24pm
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She was a lovely lady, with a romantic mind and such a sweet mocking mouth. Her romantic mind was like the tiny boxes, one within the other, that come from the puzzling East, however many you discover there is always one more; and her sweet mocking mouth had one kiss on it that Wendy could never get, though there it was, perfectly conspicuous in the right-hand corner.
~ J. M. Barrie, Peter Pan
» tagged   quotes    peter pan  
1 week ago on 7 April 2014 @ 4:06pm 1 note
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Last Friday, I looked a young man in the eyes as he all but begged me to say I could help keep him from being deported. 

I chased him down to tell him I didn’t know if we had enough to motion to reopen his case. 

He’s my age, and he’s sitting in immigration detention, and he made a stupid mistake, but we all do when we’re young, and I’m sitting at my desk and I’m tired but I don’t want to sleep, and sometimes I don’t know why the world is the way it is. 

» tagged   life    personal  
2 weeks ago on 1 April 2014 @ 10:06pm 2 notes
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i feel like telegraphing NOT READY NOT READY NOT READY across my forehead in flashing letters. 

please don’t look at me with hope. please don’t start moving in the edges and peripheries of my life. i’m still exhausted, i’m still not ready to start taking on the mess that is somebody-else and adding it on to the mess that already-is. 

i just need kindness right now. 

2 weeks ago on 1 April 2014 @ 1:52am
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This was nice.

2 weeks ago on 31 March 2014 @ 10:48pm
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